Taurus: Your Possessiveness Is Really Uncomfortable
It’s obvious to everyone around you that you feel the need to keep everything just the way you like it, and that insistence often borders on obsession. Your persistence, materialism, and sentimentality can prevent you from ever letting things go, and the more you care about them, the more stubbornly you defend your right to own them forever. Sorry to say, Taurus, but there are some things, like memories and loved ones, you simply can’t own, and trying to stake your claim over them just makes you seem unbalanced and creepy. It probably wouldn’t hurt to quit being such a hoarder, too – none of your guests enjoy trying to find a seat in a room piled high with reminders of everything you refuse to let die.
Gemini: You Are A Two-Faced Liar
Your friends know you talk behind their backs, Gemini. Not that you’re a bad person – you just can’t help letting other people know how you really feel about some of the crazy stuff your loved ones have told you. Unfortunately, you’ve talked and talked and talked, and now, they all know you’ll talk if they confide in you. You know it, too, and you still can’t help it. No matter how hard you try, you simply can’t force yourself to be as loyal or honest as you want to be. At least you’re charming enough to keep making new friends and replacing the ones who felt too hurt or betrayed to trust you again.
Cancer: You Get Off On Being Wronged
Cancer, you do so much for the people you love, and though you don’t like to admit it, you think you deserve more than they give back. What you probably like to admit even less is the only thing you love more than caring for your loved ones is reveling in your overdeveloped martyr complex. You don’t just think you’re getting the short end of the stick; you know you are, and that knowledge only strengthens your perception of yourself as the strong, suffering caregiver who soldiers on in the face of mistreatment and ill fortune. The truth is, Cancer, you are extremely over-invested in knowing that people depend on you, and the satisfaction of being needed only exacerbates your self-perpetuating victim complex.
Leo: You’re A Narcissistic Monster
You’re the best – right, Leo? Wherever you go, the spotlight finds you, and you’re hardly complaining. You can’t imagine your friends care, since, after all, you’re so generous. Well, that’s what you like to think about yourself. You’re generous, enthusiastic, and fun, so if you compulsively steal the spotlight, it doesn’t really matter. If you fuel drama just to feed your thirst for a dramatic life, is it really that bad? Is it really so wrong for you to be the center of attention? Does it really matter how other people feel about it in the long run? Of course, you’d never say no. You’re the generous friend, and you’d never hurt anyone on purpose just to keep all eyes on you… right? Every now and then, you imagine your funeral and how all of your friends will go on and on about how wonderful, magnetic, charming, and generous you were(n’t).
Virgo: You Are A Disturbing Control Freak
Caring for people and things does not work the way you think it does. You are so invested in making sure that everything around you is perfect that instead of showing you care, you plan and control without asking for any input (which, of course, you justify by telling yourself that you aren’t burdening anyone else with extra work). You show dedication and attention to everything the same way you would a bonsai tree: meticulous maintenance, control, planning, and foresight. You call this “dedication,” but it’s not – it’s needing personal control so badly that you’ve confused it for real connection – which is not really a great quality in a friend, but a very helpful quality in an aspiring serial killer.
Libra: You Empathize Perfectly With Horrific People
Everyone knows how empathetic and fair-minded you are, Libra. You put a lot of effort into keeping it that way, demonstrating time and again you only make a decision after giving equal weight to every contributing factor. This has given you a reputation for being a little flakey, but also for being personable, kind, and just. It’s a reputation you prize, because you want to live the life of someone peaceful and fair, and you take great pride in being sure that the decisions you make are the right ones – not just for you, but for those around you.
Being fair-minded, though, isn’t a one-way street. You give equal weight to every opinion before deciding, and sometimes, that means taking a walk in the shoes of someone whose morals deeply horrify you. All that kindness, justice, and peace is built on the ability to sympathize with the worst of the worst. You can go on pretending you’re unspeakably horrified by hatred and violence, but that won’t stop you from knowing exactly what it would take for them to consume you.
Scorpio: You Get Too Excited About The Objectively Terrifying
Scorpio, something is very wrong with the internal compass that points you to the things that interest and motivate you. Your passions aren’t like everyone else’s – the more intensely upsetting something is, the more you are drawn to and repulsed by it in equal measure. Crime, tragedy, and taboo will grab your attention over anything else, and you’ll stay fascinated long after anyone else would have lost the stomach to keep going. Even you aren’t sure what this means about you, but you know better than to talk about it, because you’re afraid someone might confirm what you already suspect: no one stares into the abyss as long as you without having a little abyss inside in the first place.
Sagittarius: You’re The Perfect Cult Leader
You, Sagittarius, are an inspiring friend and leader, and you know it. You’re optimistic, adventurous, and imaginative, and your wanderlust and thirst for new ideas have helped you cultivate a wide net of friends and acquaintances who would follow you to the ends of the Earth. It’s difficult for you not to abandon your boring and restrictive everyday duties. All you want is to venture out into the world in search of a truth in which you can place your unwavering conviction, reach out to like-minded people, and preach your truth to them.
The good news is you have the motivation, curiosity, and force of personality to actually pull it off. That bad news is that there’s a name for this life you want, and it’s “starting a cult.” Abandoning the mundane world? Inspiring a gathering of followers? Convincing said followers to desert a life of responsibility and sanity? That’s a cult, Sagittarius.
Take a break from romanticizing your grand flight into a brave new world where you’re a visionary maverick worthy of everyone’s unwavering trust, and try learning to deal with your everyday problems. In the long run, it’ll probably beat convincing everyone to follow you into Hell because you left college believing that Milton’s Satan was right.
Capricorn: You Are An Ambitious Sea Goat Void Of All Emotion
What wouldn’t you do to get ahead, Capricorn? Your compatriots admire you for your ambition and determination, and you can’t imagine a world where those qualities could be a burden to you. It’s not that you’re wrong (what a ridiculous notion, you’re never wrong), but while your fierce focus can carry you far, the same can’t be said for those who don’t get out of your way fast enough.
Why should that matter to you? After all, they’re responsible for their own circumstances, and so are you; you’re just doing your best, like anyone else would. Right? You wouldn’t care if they went to extreme lengths to come out on top at your expense.You might, but only because they’re now between you and your goals – and if you have it your way, which you eventually always do, they won’t be there for very long.
Aquarius: Your Idea Of Fixing The World Is Blatantly Sociopathic
The human condition needs curing, and you’re the perfect sign to do it. You know how to change the world for the better, and you don’t need pesky things like empathy to tell you which improvements you should make. It’s not your job to think about people and their feelings – you have work to do! You know that the world needs you and your innovative talents, and you don’t have time to care about other people’s irrational feelings or biases or lives.
You can’t afford to coddle everyone who might be hurt in the process of improving society. You have so much to do that you don’t have time to explain how it’s all going to be for the best. Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made – that’s part of innovation. Everyone around you can be as shocked as they want by your clinical disregard for the actual people who comprise the society you’re trying to save, but you don’t care. They’ll get over it. You have work to do. So, so much work to do.
Pisces: You Are An Emotionally Volatile Nightmare
Your heart guides you, Pisces, and sometimes that’s not as dreamy or romantic as it might sound. It’s true that your feelings often inspire you to heal and create, and as long as those feelings don’t steer you wrong, you’re capable of truly visionary accomplishments in the name of empathy and love.
Feelings, though, aren’t always gentle and sweet. You know that better than anyone, because your own emotions – the same overwhelming forces that inspire you to make the world a better place – can take you to very dark places, especially if you believe that the subject of your ire has shown unwarranted cruelty toward you or something you hold dear. You know that your feelings aren’t necessarily rational, but that doesn’t stop you from dramatically blaming other people for causing you pain. Of course, you might not even stop at crying; that notoriously brilliant creativity might even spur you to express your wrath artistically – nothing says “emotional stability” like a morose, vengeful poem